As a Doctor, I’m Sick of All The Health Care Freeloaders

I used to believe that everyone deserved health care. Now, I work in a clinic where the vast majority of my patients are on government-funded health care. I have learned that the stereotypes about these people are true: Most of my patients have never worked a day in their lives.

They are extremely ungrateful for the care that hardworking taxpayers provide for them. Patients have punched me, bitten me, screamed at me, and even urinated on me. I often leave with vomit on my clothes.

Sometimes, I have to bribe my patients with bright-colored objects, juice or graham crackers just to examine them. Do my patients thank me? Do they contribute to the economy? No!

They just suck up low-cost health care, whining the whole time, and then go pick up their free government milk. Often, they are literally carried from place to place in the arms of a real taxpayer.

As a pediatrician, I provide these scowling little freeloaders with life-saving therapies like vaccinations and antibiotics. I test their hearing and make sure any hearing loss is caught while it can still be corrected. I make sure kids with developmental delays get into therapy early so they’re ready to compete by the time they reach kindergarten.

Do they utter a word of gratitude? No! Not unless their mom or dad tells them to.

Nationwide, patients like mine represent almost half of the people who get insurance through Medicaid or CHIP, the Children’s Health Plan. In Texas, children constitute 3.4 million of the 4.5 million total people covered by these programs. So when you think about government health care, you should think about my patients: ungrateful, yowling, diapered maniacs who don’t even use language right.

CHIP covers 8.9 million children nationwide, and Congress has so far failed to fund the program for next year. If stopgap funding isn’t found soon, more than 450,000 kids in Texas alone will lose access to health care on February 1. Apparently the state plans to send a letter to these kids on December 22, right before Christmas, announcing the cuts.

I hope the letter goes something like this:

Ho ho ho, milk-breath! There will be no more free vaccinations for you. We hope you get an old-timey disease like diphtheria and die! Or maybe the cost of care will deter your parents from taking you to the doctor, so that your easily treatable infection turns into septic shock. Because your immune system is immature, your lungs are still developing, and you didn’t bother to vote!

Sincerely, America

Research has shown that people are more likely to die when they lose access to health care. Letting more American children die preventable deaths will send a strong message to kids across the country: Pull your thumbs out of your mouths, get potty-trained and GET A JOB!